So, I haven't trained at all this week because I have had one of the worst weeks of my life. I found my dad unconscious due to heart failure on Saturday, he didn't press the emergency help button around his neck as he has given up; looking after mum has absolutely exhausted him and he has no more energy, dad is disabled and deaf and although I have care workers going in three times a day and have looked after them as much as I can in their home, dad is struggling. Unfortunately, dad took a fall when he was in hospital and smashed the back of his head open and was in a lot of pain, so had to stay in longer, THEN before he was discharged the physio had to check his walking, AGAIN unfortunately, he couldn't walk or stand and has lost the use of his legs so has had to be put in specialist rehab in the Weardale Community Hospital. They are estimating 2 - 3 weeks! My main concern is my mum as she cannot stay at home on her own because her Alzheimer's makes her very vunerable and unsafe.
I looked after mum whilst he was in hospital for ONLY 4 days and I am ABSOLUTELY shattered as she is up and down during the night because she doesn't settle, is incontinent, along with the worry of her with the gas fire, putting the microwave on for no reason and getting lost in her home, I just haven't slept and when I'm woken at 4am in the morning to then not be able to turn my back on her for 1 minute has killed me and I am a walking wreck! So, I now really understand my dad's willingness to just give up as he is burnt out.
This has had to be one of the most heart breaking decisions I have made in my life; I have had to put her in respite care until Dad is well enough mentally and physically to be discharged. I researched all the homes in the area and have found an absolutely brilliant home called Shotley Park, I couldn't have wished for a better place, it's just beautiful and the staff are absolutely amazing BUT I am totally broken, my heart feels it has been crushed, I am in so much pain and I feel I have nothing left to give. I very rarely cry but I have cried a million rivers since I made the decision (even 7 days on) and when I dropped her off I had uncontrollable wailing for the entire night ( I have never experience anything like this in my life, you just can't stop the noise). Along with watching my dad nearly die and in insufferable pain because of the fall, I am inconsolable!
However, dad is in a great place and getting better, in fact I now see some brightness coming back in his eyes because he hasn't got the stress of looking after mum 24/7 and is getting treated like a king. So, that is one saving grace. But, watching my mum be confused, scared, worried, stressed and not knowing why or where she or dad is is just killing me. I have paid for someone to take her to visit dad every two days (a 3 hour round trip) to try to settle her and have made sure someone is visiting every day as I have had to come back to work and also to gather my strength before I go back up in a week. I ring twice a day to make sure she has everything and made her room lovely; full of picture, flowers and ornaments from her home but it is still to enough to ease my raging guilt! I am not worried about her care as its impeccable, I know I have made the right decision for her safety but I think the stress of the last 3 years of going up and down from London to Durham, looking after their house, getting their food sorted, making sure they are safe has actually now all hit me, the fact that she is struggling with Alzheimer's so badly has actually hit me hard and I am now grieving for mum that used to be.
I was so upset when I left her last that I actually crashed the car! and its a right off BUT you know what.... it doesn't matter, I'm too tired and stressed to even care. I just want them to be safe! in fact, this maybe a good thing as it has helped me to make the decision to get her 24/7 help along with my dad and I'm now hoping that they don't let dad come home either and they can stay together in this wonderful home. Dad has shown signs of a cognitive decline recently too, we're not sure if its because of the stress of looking after mum or he now in fact has dementia too! It had concreted why we are doing Kilimanjaro as this is an incurable disease and needs funding for research. Please SPONSOR us on the link above or click on our just giving page.
My saving grace this week has been the support I received from all those around me at my mums especially my husband, my mums carer Jackie, my cousin Trudi and my best friend Gaynor as I wouldn't have survived without them.
I just hope mum and dad can forgive me...
"Mum, I am so so sorry that I have had to put you in a home when I promised I wouldn't but watching you decline and not be able to look after yourself has killed me and it's just not fair for you to suffer like this. You were a nurse for 40 years and have done nothing but put others first above yourself for your entire life, you do not deserve to be suffering with this horrific disease! I would never wish it on anyone.
Please forgive me."
I looked after mum whilst he was in hospital for ONLY 4 days and I am ABSOLUTELY shattered as she is up and down during the night because she doesn't settle, is incontinent, along with the worry of her with the gas fire, putting the microwave on for no reason and getting lost in her home, I just haven't slept and when I'm woken at 4am in the morning to then not be able to turn my back on her for 1 minute has killed me and I am a walking wreck! So, I now really understand my dad's willingness to just give up as he is burnt out.
This has had to be one of the most heart breaking decisions I have made in my life; I have had to put her in respite care until Dad is well enough mentally and physically to be discharged. I researched all the homes in the area and have found an absolutely brilliant home called Shotley Park, I couldn't have wished for a better place, it's just beautiful and the staff are absolutely amazing BUT I am totally broken, my heart feels it has been crushed, I am in so much pain and I feel I have nothing left to give. I very rarely cry but I have cried a million rivers since I made the decision (even 7 days on) and when I dropped her off I had uncontrollable wailing for the entire night ( I have never experience anything like this in my life, you just can't stop the noise). Along with watching my dad nearly die and in insufferable pain because of the fall, I am inconsolable!
However, dad is in a great place and getting better, in fact I now see some brightness coming back in his eyes because he hasn't got the stress of looking after mum 24/7 and is getting treated like a king. So, that is one saving grace. But, watching my mum be confused, scared, worried, stressed and not knowing why or where she or dad is is just killing me. I have paid for someone to take her to visit dad every two days (a 3 hour round trip) to try to settle her and have made sure someone is visiting every day as I have had to come back to work and also to gather my strength before I go back up in a week. I ring twice a day to make sure she has everything and made her room lovely; full of picture, flowers and ornaments from her home but it is still to enough to ease my raging guilt! I am not worried about her care as its impeccable, I know I have made the right decision for her safety but I think the stress of the last 3 years of going up and down from London to Durham, looking after their house, getting their food sorted, making sure they are safe has actually now all hit me, the fact that she is struggling with Alzheimer's so badly has actually hit me hard and I am now grieving for mum that used to be.
I was so upset when I left her last that I actually crashed the car! and its a right off BUT you know what.... it doesn't matter, I'm too tired and stressed to even care. I just want them to be safe! in fact, this maybe a good thing as it has helped me to make the decision to get her 24/7 help along with my dad and I'm now hoping that they don't let dad come home either and they can stay together in this wonderful home. Dad has shown signs of a cognitive decline recently too, we're not sure if its because of the stress of looking after mum or he now in fact has dementia too! It had concreted why we are doing Kilimanjaro as this is an incurable disease and needs funding for research. Please SPONSOR us on the link above or click on our just giving page.
My saving grace this week has been the support I received from all those around me at my mums especially my husband, my mums carer Jackie, my cousin Trudi and my best friend Gaynor as I wouldn't have survived without them.
I just hope mum and dad can forgive me...
"Mum, I am so so sorry that I have had to put you in a home when I promised I wouldn't but watching you decline and not be able to look after yourself has killed me and it's just not fair for you to suffer like this. You were a nurse for 40 years and have done nothing but put others first above yourself for your entire life, you do not deserve to be suffering with this horrific disease! I would never wish it on anyone.
Please forgive me."